Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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