either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
