I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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