Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
