If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
