You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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