im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
