Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
