Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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