My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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