Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
