i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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