Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think I have vodka in my lungs
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
