Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
