i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
