her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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