I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
