tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
