The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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