Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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