I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
