I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
