fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
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