So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
