how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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