we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We need to rekindle our bromance
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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