just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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