The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
