I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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