Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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