Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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