Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
