Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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