Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
