The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
