Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
