I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
