She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
