You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
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She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
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You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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