apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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