Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
