Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(305): View more from Florida

Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.

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(407): View more from Florida

Me and my dog bond so much when im high.

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(530): View more from California

I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!

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Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(801): View more from Utah

If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.

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