Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
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he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.