Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.