I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
