You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
