I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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