if only i could text you this smell
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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