That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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