you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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