I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
