i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
