I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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