so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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