Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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