saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
