Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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