Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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