he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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