Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
